There’s nothing quite like a superhero movie… except maybe a movie that’s made for adults. Most superhero movies are a step away from being G level pieces of sh*t, and if you took the fighting out of The Incredible Hulk, that’s exactly what you would have. Why we needed another version of this giant green deuce is beyond me, but it’s definitely an upgrade over Ang Lee’s 2003 Hulk, both cast-wise and quality-wise.

The film starts out with a super quick sequence of flash cuts that let you know how the Hulk became the Hulk, a nice touch that thankfully does away with all of the background building that usually takes place in superhero movies. Bruce Banner has become a sort of Jason Bourne-esque character, hiding out in a third world country while trying to find a cure for his disease. Eventually, as usually happens in these types of situations, the American government finds out where he’s living and he must flee for his life and freedom… and right into the trap of an untenable relationship that is about as exciting as counting the staples in a stapler. Banner along with his mousy girlfriend must fight to be left alone and overcome the greed of General Ross and the weird, gay man-love of a creature called The Abomination.

The biggest problem with the film is how utterly stupid it is. It’s basically a highlight reel of destruction forcibly raped into submission by an uninspired love story… a love story which takes up far too much of the film… especially when it’s discovered that Banner can’t even get aroused without turning into a giant green monster. Of course, his girlfriend could just bite the bullet and jerk on his giant hulk cock, but this never crosses their minds. How great would that be to see a scene where Banner gets all hot in the pants, transforms, and we hear the line “Hulk smash!” Cut to a scene of his girlfriend icing down her genitals. That’s how you make a fucking superhero movie. Why the fu*k would I be in awe of some dude that can’t even get down to business. Yeah, the Hulk can rip a police car in half and use them as boxing gloves, but he can’t even skeet on his girlfriend without killing her… I’ll take that anytime over being a giant dumb monster.

The direction by Louis Leterrier (The Transporter, The Transporter 2) is pretty solid. The film doesn’t feel like a bubbly superhero flick and the tone is definitely darker and more satisfying than most superhero flicks. Leterrier gives the film a gritty urban feel that allows the action to be more realistic, even if it pussy quality stuff without any real kills or carnage. The pacing of the film is off during the film’s second half, mostly due to the inclusion of the love story. Had it been cut, the film would have come in at a solid enjoyable 90 minutes of wall to wall action… oh well. Hollywood is Hollywood for a reason, and one of those reasons is that they love formulas and not making good movies.

The acting in the film is awesome. I was a little reticent watching Edward Norton (Fight Club, American History X) try and pull off his role as Bruce Banner, but he does a wonderful job of humanizing Banner and making him more than just “that boring guy we have to sit through until the Hulk shows up.” Tim Roth (Reservoir Dogs, Rob Roy) is excellent and at the top of his game as Emil Blonsky, the aging soldier that will turn into The Abomination. Roth makes a wonderful bad guy and is perfectly cast. Liv Tyler (The Strangers, Armageddon) is kind of bland in that “helpful girlfriend” role she always plays. She does nothing new and distracts from the fun of the movie. William Hurt (Vantage Point, Mr. Brooks) is fairly enjoyable as Gen. Ross, the man that is hell-bent on capturing the Hulk.

The best parts of the film, by far, are the action sequences. Once The Incredible Hulk ditches all semblance of civility, sheds its subplots like the tripe that they are, and gets down to beating some ass, it’s actually quite an enjoyable film. It’s still a couple of monsters that look like your modern day ‘roided out baseball players stomping around city streets tearing up the city, but for some reason it actually works. The fights are all CGI, but if you’re able to suspend your disbelief, it can be quite effective… of course, everything here is as safe as watching a Three Stooges episode and no chances are ever taken to push the envelope. We wouldn’t want to get a set of balls and end up with an R-rating after all.

The Incredible Hulk is a movie worth seeing just so you can ponder the complexities of the Hulk’s love life. You may see some ass-kicking battles and fight sequences, but for the most part you’ll probably be bored by the excessive and unnecessary character development. Of course, The Incredible Hulk is easily the stupidest superhero out there, so it all amounts to nothing.

Final Synopsis: The Incredible Hulk is typical superhero garbage that follows the formula to a tee, but it may be on the higher end of the spectrum as far as quality goes. It’s mindless fun, but nothing that’s going to end up on your DVD rack. Give it a watch if you’re a nerd.

Points Lost: -1 for being ball-less, -1 for lame love story, -1 for Liv Tyler, -1 for bad pacing in the film’s second half

Lesson Learned: It’s easy to tear a car in half, but a chain is out of the question.

Burning Question: Can you take a Hulk c*ck?

The Incredible Hulk
6/10

ummmm, kinda funny burning question........
the movie was ok, but nothin special i thought.

lol i didnt write review

its from ere - www.rottentomatoes.com/

ok, well the answer to the burning question is............... NO!!!!!!! ha ha.